Fearful of the Next Moment

Fearful of the Next Moment

Friday, January 4th, 2008 by author1

I got everything on my list for Christmas after my parents were divorced when I was 11 years old.  My mom would spend the rest of the year paying off the debt.  Christmas gifts were so important to her because when she was a child she got next to nothing.  She didn’t want to let that happen to her children.  After the divorce my dad didn’t see us much except for at the holidays but he usually didn’t get us anything. 

My father was what some would call a “raging” alcoholic, hitting my mom, swearing at everyone, picking fights.  We learned early on to try and stay away from him when he would come home drunk.  There were times when I just wanted to take care of him, make him something to eat or help him get out of his work uniform but he would just get angry, swear and yell and chase us away.  We never really talked about all this.  My mom would just beg him to stop drinking and threaten to leave and eventually after many years, she did.  She would say that the happiest day of her life would be when “the old man is six feet under”.  I couldn’t believe she would wish my dad dead.  When my dad did die, my mom was a wreck, it turned out not to be the “happiest day” for her.

 I mostly just remember always feeling afraid 24/7….what would happen next.  I still feel afraid a lot of the time for no special reason.  You just get use to feeling that way.  I feel sad a lot too especially when I think about growing up in that house.