In Dreams
Ever since I can remember, my mother was an alcoholic. Only I didn’t know that she was an alcoholic. And that wasn’t all that she was - she was also kind, talented, and funny. She also struggled with a deep depression.
When, as a teenager she told me that she was an alcoholic, I was angry. Why hadn’t she told me before? Shortly thereafter she moved out and I was so angry that visits were difficult. I missed her. Why can’t you just come back and take care of me? I needed her.
I was always afraid to talk to her, to tell her honestly how her drinking affected me, because I was afraid that she would hurt herself. She was always so sad and I didn’t want to be the person who pushed her over the edge.
The hardest thing for me was not knowing who to expect. Which person would I be talking to? One mom was very different from the next. It created a lot of stress and anxiety. I also constantly worried about her and wished I could protect her from herself. I know her life was not easy.
We walked a fine line between fiery anger and deep, longing love. I wanted more than anything for her to be the one mom that I adored.
I got sick in my later teenage years and she was in rehab. She took care of me and I know that she saved my life. It was the single most incredible year of our lives together. I actually got to know my mother as a person and came to understand who she was a lot more. This 12 months is still so precious to me. But it was only 12 months and soon after, she was back to drinking and our one year was gone like a mirage.
The next couple of years were difficult with glimmers of good moments in them. I was tired of playing the parent, of being the responsible one. I was starting to see a pattern within my relationships with other people that really reminded me of my dynamics with my mother.
My mom died almost two years ago. Last night, she visited me in my dreams. So often I feel like a small child, wanting her with such intensity that it feels like physical pain. I wasn’t sure how this process of grieving for her would unroll. I thought I would be consumed by guilt, for all of my anger and for all of the unrest and turmoil of our relationship. But I am not and am starting to understand that my reaction was normal. She visits me in my dreams and it’s always the same - she tells me that she loves me but that she cannot stay. I am starting to realize that although I have lost her physical being, her physical presence in my life, she is still in my mind and my heart. And we are still working on our relationship.
April 30th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
my whole life i have pretended that nothing could be better than my family. i feel really awkward telling the truth and i always feel that im telling the story in a worse light than it really happened but then i ask myself if it is true and i realize i did not get the facts wrong at all. I’m so confused. I feel like i have betrayed them but at the same time i know that i could not stay at home because of everything that was going on. i just feel tore up inside. Since many people reading this have been through the same thing i have a question…does that pain ever go away or at least get to the point that you can deal with it?
May 1st, 2009 at 8:25 am
that’s a good question. and i think it’s different for every single person. i can tell you how i feel now, compared to how i felt before. i felt quite similar to what you described, that i was always making it sound worse than it was and i felt very torn up inside. luckily i had some really good listeners in my life and they let me know that i am not alone and that they believed me. talking to people that i trust, taking good care of myself, and seeking help when i need it has helped me deal with the pain.
May 6th, 2009 at 3:01 pm
Alot of times, i wonder what other families in this world are like. I want to know the difference between what everyone else goes through and what i go through. Sometimes i tell myself to shut up because i am just complaining. Sometimes when i try to tell someone about stuff going on they act like that would never happen in their lives. My mom is an alcoholic, i know that their moms are not, but i just always figured they had problems of their own to worry about. People always say their is no such thing as a perfect family. Well my family isn’t perfect so what do i have to worry about. Someone, anyone if you have any advice for me please commit. I