In Dreams
Tuesday, April 7th, 2009 by amhbEver since I can remember, my mother was an alcoholic. Only I didn’t know that she was an alcoholic. And that wasn’t all that she was - she was also kind, talented, and funny. She also struggled with a deep depression.
When, as a teenager she told me that she was an alcoholic, I was angry. Why hadn’t she told me before? Shortly thereafter she moved out and I was so angry that visits were difficult. I missed her. Why can’t you just come back and take care of me? I needed her.
I was always afraid to talk to her, to tell her honestly how her drinking affected me, because I was afraid that she would hurt herself. She was always so sad and I didn’t want to be the person who pushed her over the edge.
The hardest thing for me was not knowing who to expect. Which person would I be talking to? One mom was very different from the next. It created a lot of stress and anxiety. I also constantly worried about her and wished I could protect her from herself. I know her life was not easy.
We walked a fine line between fiery anger and deep, longing love. I wanted more than anything for her to be the one mom that I adored.
I got sick in my later teenage years and she was in rehab. She took care of me and I know that she saved my life. It was the single most incredible year of our lives together. I actually got to know my mother as a person and came to understand who she was a lot more. This 12 months is still so precious to me. But it was only 12 months and soon after, she was back to drinking and our one year was gone like a mirage.
The next couple of years were difficult with glimmers of good moments in them. I was tired of playing the parent, of being the responsible one. I was starting to see a pattern within my relationships with other people that really reminded me of my dynamics with my mother.
My mom died almost two years ago. Last night, she visited me in my dreams. So often I feel like a small child, wanting her with such intensity that it feels like physical pain. I wasn’t sure how this process of grieving for her would unroll. I thought I would be consumed by guilt, for all of my anger and for all of the unrest and turmoil of our relationship. But I am not and am starting to understand that my reaction was normal. She visits me in my dreams and it’s always the same - she tells me that she loves me but that she cannot stay. I am starting to realize that although I have lost her physical being, her physical presence in my life, she is still in my mind and my heart. And we are still working on our relationship.