Missed My Childhood to Play Parent
My parents would fight almost every day when I was little. I was afraid of my dad because he drank a lot. I never knew what he would do to my mom or me or my sisters. I always felt like he might hit her or one of us. On those few occasions when he did actually hit one of us kids, I would tell myself we deserved it because we had done something wrong.
I was young so I really had no clue what was going on with him. I just knew he would come home drunk every day, fight with my mom and ruin everything. I always tried to keep the other kids out of the way. I would make dinner for them and then take them upstairs to do homework – out of sight, out of mind kind of thing. The fighting would go on until he eventually fell asleep. I would hear my mom on the phone with her sister afterwards, she would cry and swear she was going to leave him, but she never did.
In the morning, the house would be very quiet. My mom didn’t get out of bed so I would have to make breakfast, pack lunches and get everybody out the door on time. All this while trying really hard not to wake up either my mom or dad. This went on for years. My dad never did quit drinking and my mom never left him.
When I grew up, a friend convinced me to go to an Ala-non meeting. I really didn’t want to go and didn’t think I needed to talk about any of this because my dad was no longer around. Boy was I wrong, I had a lot to say and a lot of feelings about my having to pick up the slack for my parents. It really did help simply to tell someone else my story.
Anonymous, Ohio
May 1st, 2008 at 7:11 am
A very sad story and one that I can truly empathize with. I was about ten years old the first time I called the cops as a result of my father beating my mother while he was drunk. It’s sad to say but I was so happy when they took him away because it meant I could finally go to sleep. Sometimes they would fight until two or three in the morning even on a school night. I felt the need to protect her, so I would stay at her side while he yelled and screamed all night long.
Nonetheless, I would get up early to pack my brother’s lunches and make breakfast so that we could all get out of the house before they woke. To this day, I still truly appreciate the peace and tranquility I feel during an early quiet morning. I also make it a point to go to bed exactly when I feel tired. I’ll never be forced to stay awake again.
She never left him either. She had every excuse in the book such as not knowing where to go with four kids, or not having a job, or a solid education. I think that they both were addicted to eachother in a very unhealthy way.
I practically raised my two younger brothers and was responsible for so much at such a young age. I don’t really have many good childhood memories but at least now I can talk about. I’m glad that you shared your story too.
June 28th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
my parents are the same too.
my mom cries and we cry i make and do things to.its hard because my sis drinks and smokes, my older sis does to and even my lil bro whos like 13. i hate i don’t do anything and hate that i live with it.
and the next day my dad would call my mom and says that he loves her and not remeber anything
December 3rd, 2008 at 3:55 pm
I can relate with this problem. the difference being that my mom nd my dad are divorced. It all started when my dad and step mom got a divorce and everything went down hill. I would go to my dads every other weekened and I knew something wasnt right becuase he would go to sleep early and I just figured it was because he worked a lot, but when my little 2 year old sister said “why is dady sleeping” it hit me. I knew something wasnt right.
My dad was moving so I packed up the house because he wasnt able and that was when I found the stash of Vodka bottles.
I mean i was at such a young age I an am taking care of 2 kids. Still am
What do I do?
March 6th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
I Truely Empathize this Story Because I too have had to care for my dad while he was drunk and passed out.I had to lug him upstairs often and on the way he’d start to hit me for carrying him.As a child I was too afraid of my dad to get involved,but now I’m always stepping in when he’s messing with my mom.Now My parents are seprerated again.But My dad,being a alchohalic,made a new name for himself…a geographic alchohalic.He Took my 2 little sisters and moved out of the state.I rarely get to see my sisters.But I don’t see him drinking so I see that much of an improvement.Even though my dad was a total jerk I still love as a father.He is my step father but even though he took 11 years of my childhood away I’ll still have to forgive him.I have 4 years to undo the damage he’s done to meand its harder if I can’t talk about with him.Once I’m 18 I’m Gonna have more responsibilities.My dad made me the person I am and I love that person.I had to learn to love myself with the help of friends.I’m still allitle angry at my dad but its only natural
March 7th, 2009 at 1:08 pm
I can sympathize.
Though my father has been in recovery for 22 years, and hasn’t taken a drink since way before i was born, he still has those alcoholic tendencies. He still throws plates, and shatters things against the walls, he yells at the top of his lungs, blames my mom for everything, and will chose favourites. He and my mom get in such big fights that i am embarrassed to have my friends over, because the tension level is so high. Then he’ll apologize for being a “Bad daddy”, and if we get in a fight, even if it’s his fault, he’ll make me feel guilty.
Well I grew up with my older sister, Kate, trying to keep me out of the target zone, taking me for walks or playing games with me while they were fighting. When I turned 5 my little sister was adopted, when i was 7 she passed away from heart complications caused by her Down’s Syndrome. That tore my family apart. My sister was getting older, and would get out of the house as much as possible, and stopped trying to protect me, so i got the brunt of the fights, both parents venting to me, or yelling and taking their anger out on me. We still adopt however, when i was 9 we got my 2nd little sister, also with Down’s Syndrome, and when I was 11 we got my other little sister, who is also mentally retarted. It is stressful because they fight about everything. My little sister that we got when i was 11, her name is Marcela, she is 7, and she is tearing my family apart again. She’s manipulative, and makes my father play favourites, and so does my mother, and they fight about it. I’m always the least favored out of their children. Anyway, it is hard trying to keep my sister’s out of the fight. Bathing them, taking them for walks, playing with them, feeding them, and other things, that it’s not fair that i have to do, but i do it anyway. They are too little to be in the midst of all the fighting, and the mental retardation guarentees that they won’t ever fully understand what’s going on. But i can’t always be there for them, especially as i grow older.
Being a parent to kids you never signed on for is tough, And being a parent to your parents is even tougher.
I feel like my youth has been taken away, and that the fighting is taking theirs away.
So I know how you feel, even if my dad isnt an active alcoholic, he is still a “dry drunk” and i can sympathize, because i know how u feel.
April 30th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
hey im sorry that you had to go through that. my parents are alot like that. Some years they just left me and somimes they would come home and yell at me for not being responsible enough. They change their minds so much that i am always confused. Sometimes their drunk at the bar and every once in a while they are at church. I never know how i should act or what i should say. Sometimes i say i don’t care but really i do more than i can say. Every once in a while my mom would start throwing things and she would hit me for no reason and sometimes my father would just blow up and tear things apart. He never meant to hit me but, it still hurt when he lost control and i was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. everything hurts and you can’t really forget it. I just turned 18 and finally got the guts to leave home. Even though i don’t live their anymore i am still so very confused. I don’t know who i am suppose to see when i look at my parents. The side that loved me or the side that hated me or just did not care. Even now they are always calling and yelling at me and blaming me for everything. Im really not sure what im even asking but i wish i could find a little peace inside. Sometimes i think i am going crazy. If you have any advice please commit. Thanks
May 1st, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Hey Mackenzi you asked what you should do and i will tell you what i did but it may not be right for they may be entirely different situations…i don’t know. Anyway, I moved away and went to live with a family from my church. Well if that is what you choose, it isn’t exactly as hard as you would think. Just go to church one morning go to the preacher and tell him your story, or if it is easier, just tell him you need help. If not that tell a friend. even if they are your age they can ask their parents. Anyway, my advice is basically this, tell someone. If they do nothing, tell someone else. Thats all ive got. i hope it helps
May 26th, 2009 at 11:15 pm
Small town girl,
That is a great Idea. I actually did that when I was 16. My mother has been an alcoholic for most of her teen to adult life. She drinks away the pain until she is numb inside. She had been molested by her father, gang rape, and her mother passed away. She used the alcohol as a way to cope with her pain. (which isnt a good idea) the pain will still be there after you come out of the drunken stuppur. Anyways She is a single mom who tried to raise her 2 kids. Well when my brother moved out when I was 7 I had to take care of her. There would be days where I had to lift her body and drag her to bed when she passes out on the floor. There were other times where I had to change her clothes and clean her up because she messed her pants. I had memorized her medical history and drivers license so I could resight it to the paramedics when she drank so much she would have seziers. Now being older I regret her stealing my childhood. I still love her, but her alcoholisim. had taken such a toll on my life that I had to find someone else to live with . So at 16 I had a friend at church who took me in. The church is so supportive, they are now my family. It is a good idea to tell a friend or an adult on whats going on in your life.
July 16th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
Don’t you ever get tired being the parent? I am so tired; dead tired. I wanna come home at night and tell my mom about by day. About schoo. About my friends. I want cookies baked for me, just once in a while. Instead, I get nothing. I get worse than nothing. I get shit. I clean up puke. I out out fires. i am so tired.
August 6th, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Since I was about 8 or 9, I’ve been the parent. My mom is an alcoholic, and my dad abuses prescription pills. They fight and scream every day, and most the time, it gets physical. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I stay up with them and get in the middle of their fights. When they are messed up, I take care of them. They make me so mad, but I still get them to bed, change their clothes, make them food to eat. Its not as bad as some other people’s situations, and that has kept me in denial for a very long time. I read your stories and think, “Its not as bad as that. I’m being selfish. I am fine. This is normal.” But its not. I cannot bring myself to leave the house, though. I know it hurts my parents. And what if they hurt each other? I need to be there to stop it. I need to take care of them… I moved in with my aunt a while ago for 2 months. It was the best time of my life… But here I am again. And its worse than ever.. The other night I stayed up until 6am, just to make sure my mom wouldn’t hurt my dad, and my dad wouldn’t hurt her. I don’t know what to do… I’m 15, and I’ve lost my life to them. I cant trust anybody, and I don’t have a social life at all. I can’t- I’m too busy being the “babysitter”. If you have any advice, please feel free to give it…. Thank you,
September 2nd, 2009 at 12:12 am
Hey Montanashli
I know how hard it is. It sucks and even when you get away you always feel like you are being pulled back. I know that even when you want to scream and yell about how much you hate your parents you love them just the same. So this is my advice, if you can’t leave for yourself, leave to help them. Letting things go on the way they are will just further damage all parties involved. If you know of somewhere to go just make a plan to leave and follow through with it. If you dont feel you have any options regarding places to go, talk to a friend, family member, or a member of your church. Someone can help. I only give this advice because it is exactly what i did. There is always a way if you can find the will. You can’t help them by staying and you certainly can’t help yourself. Please talk to someone.
September 2nd, 2009 at 12:50 am
I come from a very dysfunctional family because my mom, like many of yours has a severe alcohol problem. Basically what i am doing in this comment is just venting or telling about things that i really can’t tell anyone about. I think about them alot and i always though that if their was someone i trusted and could tell that i would feel better and stop thinking so much. so here goes. when i was 11, my mom was really drunk and mad although i dont remember why. I was angry because she had not always been that way and i wanted my mother back. anyway, i grabbed the bottle out of her hands and started dancing just out of her reach. She was completely furious but i managed to stay away from her for a while. But, I went towards the sink so i could mimick dumping out the vodka, and she caught me. She tackled me and i fell backwards. She wasn’t concerned with me at all, she went straight for the bottle that was still in my hand. When she got it she used the counter to get up with, took a drink from her bottle and staggered away. She did not even look back. I always described that day to myself as the day my mom started loving alcohol more than me. i know that isn’t actually true but i can’t help it. I just could not comprehend how my sweet loving mom could want the liquid in that bottle enough that she would actually hurt me to get it. #2 When my mom is drunk she likes to talk and yell and complain. The things she rarely mentions but kill her when she does are about the times her mom did the exact same thing to her as she liked to do to me. Running off for months at a time, sleeping with strangers(she is married), hitting, screaming, and all the odd unique problems each alcoholic has. Every once in a while she would tell me these stories and i would feel so awful for her because i could relate but then i would tell myself to shut up because the only way that i could relate was because of her. But it got even worse for me, she liked to talk about the time she was raped by her uncle. I have never shared her secret with anyone and technically im not doing it now either because nobody reading this knows who she is. It is just that i feel so guilty when i think of those things because i know that she is hurting to and i do nothing to help her. My older sister was raped twice. Once when she was younger by her father, not mine, and once when she was eighteen. It was horrible and it made my mom drink even more. it made her even madder and more fixated on what happened to her. Now , a few years later, my older sister has two kids of her own and she has been arrested for drugs, child abuse, child endangerment, and child negelect. this bothers me so bad not just because of the simple fact that this person i love is hurting herself and two completely innocent children but because once again i am powerless. i would do almost anything to help either of them but i am really hardly more than a child myself and i cant do a thing. it is getting late as i write this so i wont tell the entire story but i can’t forget the day either that my Dad beat my older sister. it wasn’t like a spanking or any form of discipline he was just mad and lost control. he loses control alot. he has never actually hit me like my mom has. but he always loses it and throws things and breaks anything he is near. Ive been hurt by him quit a few times. sometimes he stops and gets concerned and apoligizes but after a while i don’t really accept any more. I can’t because you can’t hit someone and say i love you. You can’t hurt them time and time again and be allowed to say those words. How can you tell someone how fat, pathetic, worthless and ugly they are almost every day and fit love into the equation. Just last week when i moved in at college. This college is in the same town as my high school but my parents decided to move, they left the same day i did. anyway, my dad walked up to me and acted like he was serious and said”if you ever need anything”, and then he started laughing, and said”call someone who cares”. That hurt so much. He is always saying that i am a bad person and i will burn in hell. I dont believe him anymore but it hurts so much anyway. It is just that when everything comes together i start to feel very weak. I know that i will make it but i am so very tired. tired of it all. I know everyone who lives in or has lived in a family with major problems knows exactly what i mean when i say that. well that is all i am going to vent today. Nobody has ever known anything about my life until i started writing this, it felt good. Thanks