Fearful of the Next Moment
I got everything on my list for Christmas after my parents were divorced when I was 11 years old. My mom would spend the rest of the year paying off the debt. Christmas gifts were so important to her because when she was a child she got next to nothing. She didn’t want to let that happen to her children. After the divorce my dad didn’t see us much except for at the holidays but he usually didn’t get us anything.
My father was what some would call a “raging” alcoholic, hitting my mom, swearing at everyone, picking fights. We learned early on to try and stay away from him when he would come home drunk. There were times when I just wanted to take care of him, make him something to eat or help him get out of his work uniform but he would just get angry, swear and yell and chase us away. We never really talked about all this. My mom would just beg him to stop drinking and threaten to leave and eventually after many years, she did. She would say that the happiest day of her life would be when “the old man is six feet under”. I couldn’t believe she would wish my dad dead. When my dad did die, my mom was a wreck, it turned out not to be the “happiest day” for her.
I mostly just remember always feeling afraid 24/7….what would happen next. I still feel afraid a lot of the time for no special reason. You just get use to feeling that way. I feel sad a lot too especially when I think about growing up in that house.
Suzi
November 25th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
I know how you feel about that. My dad was the same way, up until I turned 9 and my mom finally left him, but just for another alcoholic. Now she’s taken off and abandoned my little brother and I.
May 6th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
I don’t really know how to describe the way i feel when i am with my family. My mother has been an alcoholic for around eight years now. She is so different from one minute to the next. Sometimes she is sad and doesn’t want anyone to talk or make any noise. Sometimes she sits at the table crying for hours or until she passes out. My sister and i leave her alone when she is like that. We stay in the other room, leave the lights off, and sit there and do nothing. Just sitting there, you can’t forget that mom is drunk in the next room. Some days I come home, open the door, and she is completely happy and sober. Those days are rare. I just go with the flow and act happy too. There is no other time that i feel more like i am just an actor. Every few days, i come home, open the door, and mom is mad, drunk, and throwing a fit. She yells and yells and sometimes throws things and sometimes she gets really violent. She just keeps it up until the middle of the night. On those days, i never get to eat or sleep because she won’t leave me alone long enough. The other side of this story is my father. He is great sometimes. He also has a horrible temper. He used to get drunk all the time. He quit drinking three years ago. But even when he quit drinking, he never quit leaving. He’s always running out. Staying away for sometimes six months at a time. What i hate the most out of everything is always feeling like i’m living on the edge. I never know what will come next. I am always surprised even though i know nothing should surprise me now.
January 22nd, 2010 at 4:58 pm
My mom is so stupid. My dad has given her 2 heart attacks from all the stress, and everything. Yet, she’s still with him. It sucks.