My Dad

Ever since I can remember, my dad was always drunk. He wasn’t a mean drunk but a little too friendly but thankfully my mom was always around to keep him from getting too friendly with us girls. I’ve been told by my counselor that this is why I have serious men issues. My dad never talked to anyone and we learned to just stay out of his way because he was either drunk or hung-over.

Anyhow, my dad was never, ever a part of anything – I actually don’t have a single memory of him as a little girl other than my mom sending us little kids up to the neighborhood bar to try and make him come home…which, of course, he never did until the middle of the night. We would find him asleep at the kitchen table when we got up to go to school in the morning.

In high school, I never, ever brought friends to my house – I didn’t know then why – but since then I’ve figured out that on some level I was “hiding” my dad from everyone.

Right after I graduated from high school, my best friend’s parents took me and her out to dinner and over dinner, my friend’s mom asked if my dad was alive…..I remember being TOTALLY shocked by this stupid question, of course, my dad was alive. It took a few years to figure that one out but because I had never, ever even mentioned my dad – they assumed he was dead.

Speaking of graduation, that’s a story in itself. I had a lot of scary times with my dad – like the time we found him laying outside in the snow in the middle of winter in Cleveland – he was coming home from the bar late at night and had fallen – I found him along with my sister and we thought he was dead. Anyhow, I have one really sad memory and that was the day of my high school graduation – I worked hard in school – wanting to get good grades. I was Class President much to my surprise because I was pretty quiet and kept to myself. So on graduation day, I got to walk in the procession first and wear a special blue tassel. My dad had said he would come…but he didn’t and all I can remember is seeing him passed out on the couch when I got home. Not sure why, but that one really bums me out still.

I feel sad a lot and I think a lot about how kids should just not have to grow up that way. I realize now that a lot of the time growing up, I was just totally embarrassed and afraid about what would happen to my dad.


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