My Dad
Ever since I can remember, my dad was always drunk. He wasn’t a mean drunk but a little too friendly but thankfully my mom was always around to keep him from getting too friendly with us girls. I’ve been told by my counselor that this is why I have serious men issues. My dad never talked to anyone and we learned to just stay out of his way because he was either drunk or hung-over.
Anyhow, my dad was never, ever a part of anything – I actually don’t have a single memory of him as a little girl other than my mom sending us little kids up to the neighborhood bar to try and make him come home…which, of course, he never did until the middle of the night. We would find him asleep at the kitchen table when we got up to go to school in the morning.
In high school, I never, ever brought friends to my house – I didn’t know then why – but since then I’ve figured out that on some level I was “hiding” my dad from everyone.
Right after I graduated from high school, my best friend’s parents took me and her out to dinner and over dinner, my friend’s mom asked if my dad was alive…..I remember being TOTALLY shocked by this stupid question, of course, my dad was alive. It took a few years to figure that one out but because I had never, ever even mentioned my dad – they assumed he was dead.
Speaking of graduation, that’s a story in itself. I had a lot of scary times with my dad – like the time we found him laying outside in the snow in the middle of winter in Cleveland – he was coming home from the bar late at night and had fallen – I found him along with my sister and we thought he was dead. Anyhow, I have one really sad memory and that was the day of my high school graduation – I worked hard in school – wanting to get good grades. I was Class President much to my surprise because I was pretty quiet and kept to myself. So on graduation day, I got to walk in the procession first and wear a special blue tassel. My dad had said he would come…but he didn’t and all I can remember is seeing him passed out on the couch when I got home. Not sure why, but that one really bums me out still.
I feel sad a lot and I think a lot about how kids should just not have to grow up that way. I realize now that a lot of the time growing up, I was just totally embarrassed and afraid about what would happen to my dad.
-Sally
December 14th, 2007 at 4:35 pm
Sally: it’s not just about parents. I was involved with an alcoholic for more than 5 years.
They say the mind is a terrible thing to waste or should I say to waste the mind is bad. When we first got together it was all peaches and cream. And over a spread of six years it turned sour. The drinking started and it gradually got worse, there was no AA, just weekend benders that turned into a disease of the mind. I can’t begin to tell you the bouts of DT’s, the effects of alcohol took its toll on his body. He developed pancreatic cancer; the doctor gave him six months to live. He died in four. He was a hospice patient.”
January 3rd, 2008 at 6:50 pm
I know my dad is an alcoholic and I’ve learned recently that it is truly a “disease”. I am trying to understand what he is going through. I’m learning to deal with having an alcholic parent and not take it out on him or myself. I recently joined Alateen and it has helped me in many ways. I has truly made our relationship much better even though my dad is still drinking almost daily.
March 8th, 2008 at 3:00 pm
Sally, I know what it feels like to be let down repeatedly by the people who are supposed to love you the most. I grew up in a home with two alcoholic parents. I lived a double life most of the time. Trying to be “mommy” and a teenage girl at the same time. My parents never showed up for any school related event, it hurt. I always felt undeserving of their attention. All those mistaken beliefs, all the tears, all the lonlieness. I have two children of my own now: a five year old and a two year old, I try my best to make sure they know that they are my world. I try and foster unconditional love-one thing I yearned for but never had. I’m glad to read your experience, thanks.
May 5th, 2008 at 6:45 am
Well we just returned from our annual spring break vacation – I’m sure many other kids would be jealous of me spending my break in Cancun but I would give anything to just stay behind and not be part of this craziness. My dad drinks a lot at home but usually not so much during the week because he has to get up early to go to work.
Often on weekends, he’s passed out by 6:00 on Saturday and I don’t see much of him because I’m out with my friends. But family vacation is a whole different story – we are all together in adjoining hotel rooms. My dad starts drinking early because he’s says it doesn’t matter when you’re on vacation, by early afternoon he’s getting loud and obnoxious. By dinner, which is always out in a restaurant, he’s totally embarrassing.
He does things like flirts with any cute, young waitress right in front of my mom. I can tell how bad my mom feels, but she just makes a joke or starts a different conversation with us kids. My dad actually got up to go to the bathroom last night at dinner and fell into a table next to us, knocking over their drinks. I wanted to crawl under the table and hide. The guy at the next table said something to my dad about how maybe he should slow down on the Manhattans and my mom got us out of there fast – once again avoiding a total disaster scene.
I hope someday if I ever have kids, I never, ever make them feel this way. The next morning on the beach, I felt like everyone was looking at us and talking about what had happened in the restaurant. I just want to go home. My dad was very quiet the next day, no one ever says anything about these things that happen, we just all keep quiet.
I wish my mom would leave him but I know that would make us sad too – seems like there is no good way out of this.
Karen (Chicago)
May 9th, 2008 at 8:24 pm
It seems my story is very different than many of the ones I am reading on this site. My father was an alcoholic but my mother left him when I was six.
He visited on weekends for the first year or two but after that I never saw much of him. Your story about how you felt embarrassed was very easy to relate to.
I too am embarrassed and never discuss my father. The main reason I do not talk about my situation is because I do not want to be judged or associated to his failings. I am ashamed that he was not able to overcome his drinking to raise his family.
Ever since my father left my family has pretended that it never happened. In many ways this was the easiest way of dealing with it but there many uncomfortable times that I was unable to avoid.
During these times I felt shame. I am unsure why I feel shame for something my father did to my family. In some cases I described my step-father in other cases I lied or changed the subject.
I always found it hard when people who knew my father would ask about him. (Or would talk about what a great guy he was) I wanted to say you know him better than me. In some cases I would run into someone who knew my father growing up and they would say “how is he doing these days” but it would be in a group setting and you don’t want to respond. If you did you would need to say he is drunk by noon everyday and needs to call home for money every once in awhile and has never once paid child support.
Still to this day I do not like talking about it because I am concerned how people will judge me.
They might feel sorry for me…I don’t want that. They may wonder if I have any of these traits.
Overall I think it has made me a much more driven father and family person because I want to do things differently. I am still a very private person and wonder what I am going to tell my children when they get older and start to ask.
Thank you for sharing.
May 20th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
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June 6th, 2008 at 7:48 pm
my mom, dad, and older sister drink alot sometimes. mostly its my mom and dad. my sis had to go to the hostial one time cause i was worried about her. They said she was drunk and was fine.
June 28th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
my mom and dad when they get drunk it is the worset thing ever!! i never let my friends over at all even on the weekends that is the worset